My Story
by NotYetPerfect
Summary: The life of Bella Swan has been a difficult one at best. Follow her as she relives her past and moves on toward her future. AH. AU. Rated M for mature dark themes and potential lemons.


_I'm not sure whether to continue with this story or not. The whole past of Bella's life will actually be about my life, of course with some things changed. I began writing this just because I wanted to vent my feelings. But I thought I'd post it and see what you guys think. Please understand that while I don't mind criticism I do not want bullying or people just being mean. There is no point in that. You should also know that I am English and I apologize for any differences in spelling and grammar and my lack of knowledge about america. _

_I don't own anything Twilight. _

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I honestly just don't know what I'm doing with my life.

My mom says I'm depressed and maybe I am. I don't want to believe her. I could see how it could be true though. I feel done all the time, I'm always tired, I can't focus, I feel alone in the world, like no one understands me. And I hate myself. Not like all teenage girls who have body issues. No. This is different. I lost so much weight recently because I just didn't like myself so much that when I started to eat I got worked up so much that I made myself sick. My body couldn't handle all my emotional turmoil. I made myself ill. And once I started to feel better from that, I gave myself shingles. I got ill again. Because I was so weak from before and didn't put in any real effort to get better my immune system was weekend. I guess it still is. I could blame all this on a guy. On my ex-boyfriend. But I won't. I won't settle for that cop out. This isn't his fault. In fact he may have just been another symptom. I mean surely if I valued myself at all I would never have stayed with him. And I certainly wouldn't have gotten back with him when he came crawling back. I knew the behaviour well. I witnessed the manipulation and the lies enough when I was growing up with my 'Dad' to know what he was doing. Even if he didn't go as far to hit me. He abused me. Emotionally, psychologically and mentally. He manipulated a young naïve insecure girl that just wanted to be loved. And whats worse is that I let him.

I know I shouldn't blame myself for what he did. He was different at the start. He pulled me in with the perfect supportive boyfriend act. And I believed it. I wanted to believe it. I wanted to be loved. You see I was never really loved before. I mean yeah my mom loved me. But in all fairness to her she was never really much of a mother. I love her to pieces and hate to say this about her but she was always too selfish. But we'll get to that. I wanted to be loved. So yes I believed everything he said. And by the time he started to very subtly manipulate me it was too late. I loved him. I loved him and I thought I needed him. I was scared to lose him. He'd do something wrong and I'd wind up begging him to stay. I started to change. I became more timid without him. I felt like I needed him to be who I truly was. I let him humiliate me in front of our friends. I turned into my mom. I turned into the woman that was so sure she would be nothing without her partner. And I think that if I didn't manage to escape when I did I wouldn't have been able to at all. I would've let him hit me like my dad did to my mom. I would've taken it all.

I guess now I understand more why my mom stayed. I always wondered why until I had experienced it myself. I mean she didn't even protect us. Her children. Me and my sister. My sister protected me though. I don't think I'll ever even know how much she did. She took all his anger so I didn't have to. And my mom didn't stop any of it. When we drove home from our dance classes we would play a game of spotting dads car at the pub, and if we saw it we knew there would be trouble when he got home. We used to dread him being home. My mom once told me she didn't want to come home from work because she didn't want to face him. I never told her but I envied her that. She had an escape while I never did. I went to school and I got bullied. All the way through, from grade school to high school. As kids they just wouldn't include me or call me names like twicky and dumbo because I struggled. As I got older it turned into vicious rumours that I couldn't stop. I eventually just started going along with it and I created a whole different person to who I really was. There was the real me and the me I pretended to be at school. I made up friends and boyfriends and pretended to be confident and happy. But the reality was much different. I was going home every night to a mom that didn't want to be there, a sister that started to go out all the time to get away from our father, a father that hated us all and a nice sharp knife to slice my skin.

I got caught out once at school. It had been a really bad night the night before and I had sliced my upper arm to pieces. I had numerous cuts from my shoulder to my elbow. And I had forgotten that I would have to get change for P.E in front of people. I had planned to wear a hoody during the actual class but I had not thought about what I would do when it came to getting changed. By the time it got to P.E I was well into other me mode and wasn't even thinking about it so I just whipped my clothes off. It wasn't until bitchy Tanya Denali asked me what had happened to my arm that I even remembered it was there. The only thing I would think to say was that I fell out a tree. I mean how pathetic of an excuse was that? I knew they didn't buy it. But no one ever brought it up again. It just made me believe even more what I had been told for as long as I can remember, if anyone found out they wouldn't care and if an adult found out I'd be taken away from the only people that did. My mom and sister. I'd be left all alone. And that's exactly what happened. I ended up alone.

My name is Bella Swan, and this is my story.

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_If you would like me to continues writing it please let me know. You should know that this story will be very hard for me to write and may not be updated regularly.  
Thanks for checking out the first chapter. I hope you enjoyed it. _


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